The dutch man sings Italian. All the women are pretty sure he makes them uncomfortable. Opening up a portal of oh no what have I done? Each day's newness presents an opportunity to crumble. An open road where picturing scenes of the future makes you cry in vain. In both happiness and bittersweet longing. A tincture of nectar that makes your eyes squeeze and yet there is no stopping yourself from drinking it. Wishing and wondering why that type of love, of intimacy and partnership and warmth, is missing from your life. Knowing its taste and wanting more. Wanting the next bite to be richer than the one before.
Today if I get a chance alone I think I will take another walk alongside the animals. I will sit where me and robin sat. Under the veil of clouds and shrinking tutelage from the universe. A part of me reckons ive been here before. Those places where watching feels like you're being let into a secret. One of beauty and mundanity and everyday milestones being reached. One where good nature settles into the stones of the houses left untouched in time. A feeling that melts in my chest like butter when i think of it for too long, and for that I am left sad yet satiated, wishing i'd left a little bit more of the food to snack on later.
There are men who I believe could love me that everyone also believes in. there are men that i believe in that I see as the only hope. Penciled into my future plans, hoping they'll wait for me. Hoping they'll want to cradle me as much as I do. There are men that I need to believe in so that the crumpled reality of mistrust doesn't sink further into my bones. Arent there men like that? The question isn't about women because im already surrounded by these women. The ones who make me feel tipsy just by being in the same room.
The coffee shop opens at 9:30 and there is a market till 1. Days flitter by and the feeling of being left alone becomes more and more relevant. There are changes I'm waiting to make that instill fear in the hairs on my arms. Ones I've been planning for years. Ones I can't wait to happen. Ones im dreading. Ones that make me wish the days would slow to an even more gradual stop. There are changes I know will allow me to build on in time, ones I need to make. Ones that make me sick with anticipation. Cant it be over already? Cant it have started? Cant I ever not be waiting? Which would I prefer?
I said to robin yesterday "it feels like we've been here for a really long time. I don't think a lot of people have been around as long as us." I meant in this world. Walking the streets of wisdom and knowledge and observation. Knowing the pain in love and the beauty of quiet. Sitting under a tree for almost an hour, watching clouds shift. We are constantly faced with the sky. It lives over us, bearing down its weight of impossibility. It's universal distance. Shapes mirror others and things begin to smooth. Clouds reveal a burning orange, sun tipping just over the top of the hill, struggling to stay awake. To not be tucked into the blanket of night. Reveal then conceal over and over and over again. It's all we do.
Destroy and reconstruct. Building something out of necessity and knowing, in the end, it will crumble, only to reveal more of ourselves. Each day I wake and am faced with feeling. What warm tingly stardust enraptures us and how have we been able to find it in others? These are the questions I ask myself everyday. The ones that bring the joy and the pain. The crying while you're smiling. This is why I pause and also why I continue
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