Upon first glance
Things seem to be settling
A rebuild of some sort.
The clatter of silverware is just a minor worry
The shaking wine bottle
A mere jostle
But ever so quickly
As quickly as it ended
The foundations whine and shake
And crumble
Right through the heart
Right through the table and into the dirt of the earth
Revealing much more damage than was once presumed
Lifting a glass of water takes more effort than a sideways glance does
A sideways glance
Is blocked by an inability to stand it.
To stand the shame and humiliation
To stand the anxiety and anger
To stand the face crumbling tears that fall as I walk home
You hunch and stand
it seems so simply
You stand beside him
acting as if
Attachment to him means forgiveness
It means being partially involved
But nothing more
I will not meet your eye as I would not meet a ghosts'
I will not settle in your presence as I would a friend
I will not explain the sorrows and grievances that have made me the better person I became
Because you will take no explanation
You will take only poisoned presence
Understatements of the year
And nonchalant "whats the deals"
Or else what do you expect?
Maybe a hug? A warm meal?
You will not get me like that ever again
And somewhere in me
I hope it hurts to see my love flow elsewhere
Overshadowing any minute of the love I gave you
Today, seeing you made me sick!
It sent me teetering into a void I thought I'd found my way out of
It left me shaking like a leaf long after I'd first seen you
You dont deserve to walk around blamelessly
You dont deserve to sit and stand and talk so calmly
I keep wanting to punish you
With cruel cutting words
Because I think you deserve it
But I dont deserve to spew out the hatred you created in me.
I deserve only the love I have given myself in your absence
The love you could not give me
I hugged and cradled my broken heart like you said you would
I have no interest in "catching up"
If you'd like to know what I've been doing
You know where to find that.
I've always been an open book
Which is why I hurt so much
And why I've come so far
And why it still hurts
to be in a place
Filled with murmurs and quivers of memories
I'd like to tell you how pathetic I find you
How deceiving you are
And really discuss the lack of what's hiding behind your eyes
Despite fear and judgment
Maybe over coffee, I can explain how you ripped the romance from my loins
Before it had time to flower
Maybe with a splash of milk, I'll add in how meaningless you've made me feel
And when I cut into my hashbrown
And splatter ketchup on your 400-dollar jacket
It'll be a reminder that you'll never get to treat me that way again
A stain of great importance
Because you won't get a chance
You won't get more than a glance.
With every bite
I'm removing you from my life
Gobbling up the meaning you squeezed from me
Wiping my plate clean
Like my good conscience
Respectfully taking my leave
As it sinks in that the bill you are left with
Is much higher than what you are prepared to pay.
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