I am nothing if not predictable

I got my haircut today

I think I still look the same

But also

Much different

Today I feel stuffed up emotionally

I wish I could stick garlic gloves up my heart like I can my nose

To clear out any congestion.

I wouldn't say that I feel depressed, or maybe I am but I wouldn't say I'm sad

At least not in the traditional term

Everything is going fine

Somethings aren't

But when are things always going well?

My dad called me today and before he hung up he said everything will be ok

And it made me feel better

I wish he could give me a big bear hug

But he had to go

Part of me is feeling awful about who I am

I get irritated so easily

And no matter how hard she hurts me

I begin to realize that maybe I am her

And there is no way of stopping it

At dinner

With my roommates parents

I went to the bathroom and wanted to call you

But I'd never called you before

And it felt like I was updating my husband on my annoying colleagues at work

The way they stared at me when I was asking them a question, trying to prolong the conversation so there wouldn't be awkward pauses

Was like I had just donated all their money to the green corps

With absolute pity. It looked like they were really trying to understand but they knew they would never

Because it was a stupid question

Or phrased badly

But it would have been better if they'd just pretended to fake it.

The guy I went on one bad date with was working that night,

He still wears his pearls

The nickname rings true

I couldn't make eye contact with him.

Even when he came up behind me to take my plate,

I just leaned closer into Macy

And I'm sure he knew I knew him

And I'm sure he knew me

But the last two times I saw him I couldn't help but ignore him

Because I didn't know what to say

And I'm nothing if not predictable.

I feel like a sleeping bag punched down as tight as possible.

I feel like a rat losing the race.