It's not that I can't fall in love or won't, it's just that I'm a little bit afraid to. I'm afraid to dive in again only to squash my head against the hard bottom. I want the casualness of being together like you aren't together. I dont want to have to impress or put on shows for someone when I dont feel like it, they can have me and they can like it or leave. Sure if they leave i'll get sad and question whether or not my life is worth living, but I'll find my way back to the truth in some way or another. I'll find my way home
I want to sing in a band. I want to get all sweaty with hair stuck to my face in a short dress and have people rocking behind me and swaying in front of me. I want to perform like I dreamt I would when I would daydream in grade 2. I want my daydreams back. Filled with hot romance by people im not sure i've met yet. Stupid realism getting in the way. I promised myself i'd never get glued to that and i've been slipping down the slope of adult cynicism. Who needs to read little prince again hands up!
The books that line my dresser, that haven't been opened in years but that I refuse to give away, take me back in. They know when I'm back with them that I'll need to adjust to their old covers. To get used to the fact that I have books at home, I dont need to go out and buy more. I can hear them squeal when I pick one out to give to a friend to borrow because they know, they probably won't ever see me again, but be a heavy source of conversation.
I imprint my name on the front covers so maybe in 2000 years, whoever is ruling the world can have some glimpse of my existence. I'll bury them only to be uncovered. Like the Vikings did. My costar keeps telling me to learn the difference between self-confidence and narcissism. Only just yesterday did I understand the question. I have yet to learn the real difference.
In my dreams, I have visions of who people think I am. In my dreams, they know I wear a lot of tote bags. They dont however know the contents of those bags. My dreams reveal and hide things about myself. Would I find out if I sleep in just a little longer?
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