It doesn't matter how many tango classes I take
Or how many great weekends I have
It cannot wish away what is permanently waiting for me.
A hearty and genuine laugh cloaking a sea urchin
Hiding but not deeming ineffectual the stingers.
The air is biting and the snow outside makes me sad like it never has
You tell me to just call you??
But it's the very air that's different there.
I may not be able to as much as id like to.
There returns a heaviness
That I wish I could slump off
Like the sludge on my shoes
Like that man's eyes looking at me
Like I wanted a shield
Protect a layer of myself from his penetrating gaze
I wanted to say something
but what
Hey, can you stop looking at me?
Sounded dumb
Sometimes you do feel dismissive
Or I'm worried to bring things up to you because
Maybe you'll think they are dumb
But intensely big to me
And maybe both are correct and true
I bubble up big
Better get used to it
I'm feeling flat out tired
I could sleep and go on sleeping
But my body hints at restlessness
Only a couple more days
I called my parents just now and felt like I was lying to myself.
I wish I was a worm
I wish my life a bit was meaningless and arbitrary but that I had a direct and succinct cause to follow
Like whatever worms do in dirt,
I'm so grateful for the beautiful life I am living and I am happy with it
And I'm working on myself
But in moments
I wish I was a stupid little worm
Devout of feelings or knowledge and so okay with it.
Just present and living
Like a worm
No past
No present
No future
Just worm.
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