I long for nothing more than to forgive you, but I dont know if I can do that before I talk to you, at least one more time. I still miss you, less and less so in reference to things we used to be or used to do together, more as just a being I could spend my time with. I long for warm arms to wrap around me when I'm tired and can no longer bear to look at my computer screen. I wish I had lips I could still kiss to pass time. I miss you and do not want you back and would like to forget and let you go so I dont sink down with you.
Today I saw signs. One told me it was rock bottom. I saw pink houses and little babies in strollers who must have been so cold because I definitely was. I walked and got blistered and bought a book on exciting life and freedom that I could not afford. I came home hoping to feel better and the longer I laid in bed the duller and duller the glimmer of life seemed to be. Its shimmer dying with the sun. My bones are racked with a cold that grows deeper with each day it snows. The longer time passes the more freaky it is the idea that I still have your number and could text you and I bet you probably would not respond. What would I even say? Hello? You never wanted to answer me even when we were together, what would make you answer me now when we are removed from each other.
I wish I had the soft chin and nose of a cat. I wish my paws made indents on the skin of my owners, the cold little pillows pushing softly into someone, the message that I'm soft for them but the claws are hiding under and can come out in an instant. I wish I did not want to live the life of an artist because the times that are filled with inspiration and motivation are so rare and the times lacking are so often and so grueling and seem to never end. If only I was a scientist and could figure out facts and numbers and didn't have to figure out how to make a logline of a script that I'm not even sure is good. I wish I didn't have you in my program to program my brain into thinking everyone hates me and longs to humiliate me and is better artistically and I wish I could return to my pillow without thinking I'm wasting my day.
I wish I had dish soap so I could do the dishes but we ran out and I bought it last time so I'm sticking to my principled guns and waiting around in the muck. I wish I could name exactly how and why I feel so bad. I can't wait for it to be warm and the only cold is from the glass of rum and pineapple juice I'm holding
I wasted a day going through the motions, moving from one spot to the other only to be in the wrong place all along. Going home to get work done and swiping left of every person I see on tinder, wishing they could take the place of the hole that's been left on your account. My fridge is too full to cook something new. My bank accounts are too low to buy new food and fruits, tomorrow is better though. tomorrow being today when the streets are filled with students I've never seen before, realizing in my brain that there are many more opportunities for me.
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