All I want is for someone to say to me "Don't worry I'll be here in the morning." It would make the child in me giggle at the sincerity. I could sit under a tree with you in full sunshine and not worry that you'll get bored and not worry that you'll leave. Then I could stop entertaining and I can be peaceful and quiet and you'd still be there. I wouldn't have to worry that I'm not being interesting enough. My lungs could inhale and I'd realize how sore they've been when I constantly talk. They wouldn't give out because you've given them the okay to take a rest.
You can stand behind me while I peel an orange and move my hair from my nape and kiss the back of my neck. I want to be so close to someone and see what their face looks like when my finger indents in their cheek. I want to be given the free will to lift their elbows above my head and watch their veins gently pump without a shake in my fingers. I don't know if I've ever known what that looks like. I want to be close to someone without tensing up. My bones can melt into a jelly while you hold on to me and my flesh doesn't buzz in fear of sticking into you. And I'm not imagining I'm floating so I don't crush you. I am simply existing. And my hands can be calmly placed above your eyes and you'd smile because they are my hands and my hands can be placed on your skin without any tremor of uncertainty. With this switch into adulthood, I have learned what I want. I don't want to start conversations anymore. They can be quiet for all I care.
I don't want to sit in a crowded cafeteria. I don't want to do math. Ever. I want to be gay and okay with that and I want to walk past big crowds without fear of tripping. I want to be alone. I want to be with someone. I want to be close to someone and exist without fear. I want to be reassured that I will see your face tomorrow.
- Molly Cole
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