Today the song "wasting time" came on. Do you remember when it used to be ours? I wanted to skip it but I let it play. It's funny how it reminds me of you now. It's funnier still how we arent talking. I wonder if you listened to this song, would you think of me? Part of me thinks you've deleted me from your brain. It seems that way in my head. From everything I hear from others, you seem to be undisturbed, and even relieved in my absence.
I wonder if we'll ever speak again. You told me you wanted to but after the last two weeks of not being able to look at each other, it makes me think that might not happen ever again. I'm not even too sure I'll be able to speak to you. That and your image has been poisoned in my brain. It's warped and sickly looking because of all my anger and hurt but it's harder still that I miss you. Even just you being in my life. I'm torn because I never want to see you again and I would love just one more glimpse. It's been two weeks. It still hurts even when I think it finally stopped.
I had a dream you wanted me back and in the dream I let it happen and I awoke slightly happy and very disappointed in myself. Dream me for taking you back and real me for even slightly wanting that to be a possibility.
Each day starts and hurts anew because of you. Each day I'm forgetting you. Each day I smile in spite and I cry out of remembrance. The sadistic part of me really would like to hurt you. Or at least give you a little glimpse of my hurt. I wish I could put my hand on your arm and you could feel the deep gash of emptiness I feel in my stomach and the trembling breaths that used to be full. I wish you had never filled me up so that you could not take anything away from me. I'm glad we had what we had but the memories of it are torturous.
I don't think I'll ever be the same and in many ways that hurts but in many others that is good. Thank you for showing me a glimpse of what I thought love might be like, but I hope you know you should never show that to me ever again. Take care of yourself, and take better care of others than you took of me.
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